I’m a avid fan of pinterest especially when it come to looking for remedies for my PCOS. I came across this post of supplements that are a good choice if you have PCOS. I would also add cinnamon, spirulina, chlorella, maca, aloe, & apple cider vinegar daily. I have hear Maca Root is very good for PCOS and I am hoping to get my hands on some to try.
Sorry I have not posted in a while, computer has been broken and hubby just fixed it for me. What would I ever do without him?
I will go ahead and let you ladies or gents that may be reading this, updated on what has been going on with TTC and all my doctor visits. Thursday which I believe was the 20th, I went back to my endocrinologist to have blood work done on my thyroid. I don’t think I have mentioned it until now that I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism 3 months ago and my endocrinologist has put me on synthroid. I have never been a fan of taking medications but looks like I will be on this one the rest of my life sadly. I also went back to my OBGYN to have more blood work to see if my testosterone levels are normal and of course it came back higher than it was last time. He doesn’t want to put me on Clomid again until it’s normal for the fact he stated it won’t work correctly. Any of you ladies have a doctor like this that told you that? Anyways, back to what I was saying and try to get to what this whole post is really about.
A couple of days ago, sometime around midnight I had a mental breakdown. Literally a mental breakdown to the point I threw up. I cried and sobbed in my pillows for 2 hours telling my husband I want to give up on trying for kids because my body is physically tired and mentally I am too. No, I really don’t want to give up but sometimes I feel like I can’t go anymore, the desire isn’t there. The pain and the hurt is sometimes just too much for one person to handle and that’s me. I’m tired of the medication, I’m tired of the blood work, I’m tired of the ultrasounds, I’m tired of diagnosis that come up, just TIRED. I don’t feel like that strong willed woman that I once was. She’s gone and I want her back. I don’t want to feel this hurt, this sadness, this jealousy anymore. I want to be able to go to baby showers and not feel resenting and jealous of other women. I want that to be me in that chair with a big ol’ pregnant belly celebrating the birth of our child but it’s not. It’s not fair for women that deserve to be mothers and have the want and desire to have to go through such a painful experience. Infertility is a long, painful and heartbreaking journey, and I not once in my life did I ever think I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.
When I married my husband we were the happiest couple alive. I have never loved someone so much. We would always talk about what we would name our future children and joke around about having twins. Those trips to the mall have now become trips to the doctor. Those long talks about life and taking trips together have now become talks about adoption, or fostering a child. Two things I don’t want to do unless I really have to. I know it sounds selfish to not want to adopt but I want a child of my own flesh and blood that is part me and part of my husband. I have become a depressed and anxious person now ever since I was diagnosed. Sometimes I think did I wait to long to see a doctor? I try to convince myself that we will be pregnant in a couple of months but I know that’s not possible unless it’s the good lords work.
Recently my OBGYN requested that my husband should get tested so we did and waited for the results. We finally heard back and bad news seems to lurk just around the corner. We were told his sperm is low and only 40% is mobile. The nurse told me that some men have bad days and that they are going to do another test to see if it turns out better. First thought that went through my mind was there is no chance of getting pregnant now. I felt my heart sink to my stomach and my eyes just filled with tears. I couldn’t cry…I’m so used to bad news and the heartache that I can’t cry anymore. I’m scared my husband will resent me for not being able to have children. I’m scared of losing our marriage and each other as a person. I’m just scared and I feel hopeless. It’s hard enough to shop for my baby niece because I try to avoid the baby section as much as possible because it tears me apart to know I can’t shop in that area. Tears fill my eyes a lot when I see a child in the stores because I wish that was my child, I wish I was that mother. Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer? I want to blame God and hate him but I can’t. I’m a Christian and a believer in Christ but sometimes I just ask God to stop this hurt and suffering. I ask why do I have to take this road that there is nothing for me? I don’t understand and I don’t know why but part of me has to hold on for the sake that there might be a possibility of being a mom. If not, I will have to learn how to live my life happy no matter what. I have lost so much in my life already but I don’t want to loose the want of wanting a child. It will always be there. I just want this hole in my heart to be filled with a child to complete our lives no matter if it’s our own, or a another persons child. Everyone is fighting their own battle and I know it can be worse. I found out it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to be in pain. Crying clears the soul and heals. It’s just like losing someone close. You will always grieve and miss them and it’s okay to cry when you miss them. How can I love someone so much that I haven’t even met?
So today was my week 4 follow up with my doctor to go over what my ultrasounds looked like from about 3 weeks ago. Everything turned out okay which I was overly shocked because my last OB/GYN told me I had cysts on my ovaries and that one ovary was enlarged. Well today that was not what I was told. I was told my ovaries do not have cysts nor an enlarged ovary. I was shocked! I mean very shocked! So I asked me does that mean I don’t have PCOS and have been lied to all along? He told me no because having poly cystic ovaries is different from poly cystic ovarian syndrome. So we had a good long talk about that. I was getting overly optimistic about my body not being broken but looks like I just keep starting over and over again. My testosterone levels are too high still and can’t get started on clomid just yet because he explained it rarely works when your testosterone is too high. I was very upset because I am so ready to have a baby. I just want to scream and cry because it’s so frustrating to not be able to have sex and bam you get a baby as “normal” women do. I feel less of a women because I have to be on treatments just to get a child when a women’s body is MADE to have a child. I just want my baby. That’s it! So I have no idea when I will have my miracle. I feel fat, self conscious, moody, emotional. I keep thinking when I do end up pregnant that I won’t have that beautiful baby bump because I’m overweight. I just feel broken like there is no hope. I try to be as positive as I can but it is so hard to when you just feel like everything is against me and that this process never ends. I still have no answers why my uterus and ovaries hurt so much. It would be nice to have some answers all at once but I guess that’s not the case. Sex seems more of a job than making love to my husband and doesn’t get enjoyable. I’m only 23..I shouldn’t feel this way.
Anyone ever feel like this picture explains it all? I know for me it really does.
This is so annoying and makes me so mad when I see women who are pregnant and smoke! So many women who can’t have children would kill to have that little miracle and some women act like it’s no big deal. Women who go out and party, drink, do drugs and pawn their kids off on others should not be able to reproduce. Go home and take care of your children like a good mother would. It just breaks my heart.
Always remember your self worth. Never let someone tell you that you are not good enough. People don’t realize that PCOS is a disease and a very hard thing to deal with. People say “you don’t look sick” That’s correct because it’s known as the “invisible illness”. Deep down women with it are sick.
It’s about 2:51 a.m and I’m not asleep. I have to be up in 5 hours to get ready and go with my mom and maw-maw to her eye appointment. I really hate having insomnia. I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep without waking up feeling like I just partied last night. Melatonin helps me sleep but I hear it’s not good for you and others say it’s okay to take it. It also makes me feel like I have a hangover of a morning and gives me a killer headache. Seems like the only thing to help me sleep though. I hate insomnia and hormones. Tonight hasn’t been the greatest of nights for me. I hurt, I’m emotional, I’m mad, etc. UGH! Any other women have these issues with PCOS? I feel so overwhelmed with life right now. I’m trying to finish up college and I’m only one semester away from finishing! Yay! I could not be more ecstatic. Along with all these doctor appointments, my life is hectic. I miss my husband so much tonight but thankfully he will be on his way back from Texas! I always love seeing him. He always brightens my day and makes things better. On another note..I go back on the 9th for more blood work to see if I’m diabetic without being on metformin. Last appointment I went, my blood sugar was high. 108 over something, can’t remember. I wasn’t taking my metfomin regularly before my blood work so I’m not sure what it is while I’m on it. Has anyone ever seen a dramatic change in blood sugar while on Metformin? Also I would love any suggestions on what helps the sickness while on Metformin because it makes me so sick!
How does having PCOS affect my life? I get this question quite a bit from friends and family. It’s hard to explain sometimes because a lot of people don’t know the meaning behind PCOS and what it causes for a woman. All I ever want to say is “It’s hard, you wouldn’t understand.” Sometimes that is what I say because I choose not to go through the emotional drawbacks from it later. But for those that I trust whom is mostly my husband, sister, and my mother, they really listen to me and try to understand. I have had a lot of negative comments from some people and it really hurt me. A lot of people don’t realize that Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome IS a disease and therefor can cause a lot of problems for a woman.
Okay, sorry for rambling. On to the question. Lets start from the begining shall we? Once upon a time..haha just kidding. I’m trying not to make this a sappy, depressing story. In 6th grade, us females got to skip class and go watch a boring film and gross film on when a girl gets her period. Not what most of us wanted to do. Once that was over we all got some feminine products and deodorant that we can take home. Some of the girls had already got theirs and they started bragging about how they were starting to grow boobs. For me, that didn’t happen until I hit 8th grade. My first period on Christmas. I thought I was dying because I was bleeding and I ran to my mom asking what was wrong with me. I look back at that and laugh. So time went by, I was finally in high school, I had a boyfriend… A typical high school girl. I started realizing I never had a period hardly and when I would it only came every 6 months to a year. I though this was normal. I never spoke to my mom about this because I was embarrassed to speak to anyone about it. This went on for a very long time even after graduating high school. I finally met a guy who is now my husband Josh. He is an amazing man! I finally had the courage to have a pap done. All was normal there until my ovaries starting hurting really bad and I was bleeding for 5 weeks or longer! This was not normal from what my other periods were like. So I made an appointment with an OB/GYN close to home. I needed answers. On that day of February 2012, I found out I had PCOS. I was horrified. This was exactly what I did not want to hear. My husband and I were trying for a baby and I knew something was wrong when I wasn’t getting pregnant. I went in, I had an ultrasound done to check my uterus and ovaries. The lining is built up and my ovaries have cysts. Blood work was normal but I felt like he wasn’t doing enough to help me. He even forgot to come back and give me my medicine I was suppose to take.
I started on clomid after my first round of provera to make me have a period. Never really had any side affects of the clomid but I didn’t end up pregnant. I was heartbroken. I did ovulate on my first round which was good news but to find out if I was pregnant would of been better news. Time went by that we gave up trying because I was an emotional wreck and my husband starting working out of state more for 2 weeks at a time and I only saw him for 5 days so it was very hard to try to conceive. I finally made an appointment with a different doctor who specializes in infertility and PCOS. What a relief it was for me to change doctors. Dr. Wood has worked with me one on one to find out everything and has done an amazing job explaining things I didn’t understand. I was in tears when he looked at me and said “You will have that baby and I will do everything to help you.” I have never felt more relieved.
It has been a really long, emotional, journey for not only me but my husband. He hates seeing me go through this. I am in pain almost everyday due to the cysts on my ovaries and the pressure in my uterus but my husband has been there for me every step of the way. I’m a firm believer in faith and I know God has a plan for everyone. Mine is just a little difficult right now. The biggest thing for me that is unbearably hard for me is being around women who are pregnant, have children, and going to baby showers. It is SO HARD! It’s hard for me to control my feelings and emotions. I never use to be like this until I was diagnosed. I’ve been told that being jealous and don’t want to be around other moms is normal. I hate feeling like this. When my sister in law got pregnant I hated her so much and felt so much hate and anger towards her that I really hurt her feelings due to my anger. That was the only thing I did not want to happen. I’m the oldest out of my husbands family and I really wanted to be the first to give my mother and my husband’s mother the first grandchild. I’m still upset over it to this day and it’s hard to be around her and the baby. It’s hard seeing everyone loving on her and saying how precious she is. But I have to live with it. So how has PCOS affected me? It’s affected my life in a bad way and a good way. It’s made me and my husband closer than ever from everything we have been through. Having PCOS has taught me to love myself and my imperfections. To make sure I’m healthy and that I stay that way. Life is too short so I try to keep my mind busy. I feel for every women who has PCOS because it’s hard..it really is. No women will tell you it’s a good experience. The one thing that does help me is to talk to women who have it. It helps me cope knowing I’m not alone in this and that I will get through it. I was reading my bible one day about Sarah and how she could not bare a child but God gave her a child. I rely so much on God and I have my days of doubt that I will never have a child because I get so emotionally overwhelmed. But one thing I always tell myself is to have faith.
Pretty With PCOS 