Sorry I have not posted in a while, computer has been broken and hubby just fixed it for me. What would I ever do without him?
I will go ahead and let you ladies or gents that may be reading this, updated on what has been going on with TTC and all my doctor visits. Thursday which I believe was the 20th, I went back to my endocrinologist to have blood work done on my thyroid. I don’t think I have mentioned it until now that I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism 3 months ago and my endocrinologist has put me on synthroid. I have never been a fan of taking medications but looks like I will be on this one the rest of my life sadly. I also went back to my OBGYN to have more blood work to see if my testosterone levels are normal and of course it came back higher than it was last time. He doesn’t want to put me on Clomid again until it’s normal for the fact he stated it won’t work correctly. Any of you ladies have a doctor like this that told you that? Anyways, back to what I was saying and try to get to what this whole post is really about.
A couple of days ago, sometime around midnight I had a mental breakdown. Literally a mental breakdown to the point I threw up. I cried and sobbed in my pillows for 2 hours telling my husband I want to give up on trying for kids because my body is physically tired and mentally I am too. No, I really don’t want to give up but sometimes I feel like I can’t go anymore, the desire isn’t there. The pain and the hurt is sometimes just too much for one person to handle and that’s me. I’m tired of the medication, I’m tired of the blood work, I’m tired of the ultrasounds, I’m tired of diagnosis that come up, just TIRED. I don’t feel like that strong willed woman that I once was. She’s gone and I want her back. I don’t want to feel this hurt, this sadness, this jealousy anymore. I want to be able to go to baby showers and not feel resenting and jealous of other women. I want that to be me in that chair with a big ol’ pregnant belly celebrating the birth of our child but it’s not. It’s not fair for women that deserve to be mothers and have the want and desire to have to go through such a painful experience. Infertility is a long, painful and heartbreaking journey, and I not once in my life did I ever think I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.
When I married my husband we were the happiest couple alive. I have never loved someone so much. We would always talk about what we would name our future children and joke around about having twins. Those trips to the mall have now become trips to the doctor. Those long talks about life and taking trips together have now become talks about adoption, or fostering a child. Two things I don’t want to do unless I really have to. I know it sounds selfish to not want to adopt but I want a child of my own flesh and blood that is part me and part of my husband. I have become a depressed and anxious person now ever since I was diagnosed. Sometimes I think did I wait to long to see a doctor? I try to convince myself that we will be pregnant in a couple of months but I know that’s not possible unless it’s the good lords work.
Recently my OBGYN requested that my husband should get tested so we did and waited for the results. We finally heard back and bad news seems to lurk just around the corner. We were told his sperm is low and only 40% is mobile. The nurse told me that some men have bad days and that they are going to do another test to see if it turns out better. First thought that went through my mind was there is no chance of getting pregnant now. I felt my heart sink to my stomach and my eyes just filled with tears. I couldn’t cry…I’m so used to bad news and the heartache that I can’t cry anymore. I’m scared my husband will resent me for not being able to have children. I’m scared of losing our marriage and each other as a person. I’m just scared and I feel hopeless. It’s hard enough to shop for my baby niece because I try to avoid the baby section as much as possible because it tears me apart to know I can’t shop in that area. Tears fill my eyes a lot when I see a child in the stores because I wish that was my child, I wish I was that mother. Why is it so hard? Why do I have to suffer? I want to blame God and hate him but I can’t. I’m a Christian and a believer in Christ but sometimes I just ask God to stop this hurt and suffering. I ask why do I have to take this road that there is nothing for me? I don’t understand and I don’t know why but part of me has to hold on for the sake that there might be a possibility of being a mom. If not, I will have to learn how to live my life happy no matter what. I have lost so much in my life already but I don’t want to loose the want of wanting a child. It will always be there. I just want this hole in my heart to be filled with a child to complete our lives no matter if it’s our own, or a another persons child. Everyone is fighting their own battle and I know it can be worse. I found out it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to be in pain. Crying clears the soul and heals. It’s just like losing someone close. You will always grieve and miss them and it’s okay to cry when you miss them. How can I love someone so much that I haven’t even met?
Pretty With PCOS 